I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
