I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
