I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
