Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
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