I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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