so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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