dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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