I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
BRING THE BAGELS
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
