I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
