I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
