Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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