Please don't use social media to get back at me.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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