I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
