I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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