"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
