i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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