I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
