The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
