that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
