I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
