Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
