I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
