I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
