If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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