Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
