So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
