Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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