Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
