You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
