True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
