i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
