we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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