I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
