if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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