I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
