T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
