Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
