There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
