I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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