i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
