The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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