so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
