dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
