It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
