Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
