It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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