Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
