I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
