Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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