Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
