FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
