i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
